Are dolphins smart?

Not particularly.

They can't even actually communicate with any sophistication:

A disproportionate amount of dolphin research time has been devoted to teasing out any potential for language – the science-fictional myth of dolphinese – from their vocalizations. If dolphins had language, we would almost certainly have found it by now. When their vocalizations turned out to be rote and inflexible, “I’m scared!” “I’m mating!” “I see food!” pretty much covers it, the research turned to echolocation clicks. Perhaps dolphins were sending each other 3D holographic messages encoded in their clicks. Nope.

They do have signature whistles that identify the dolphin as an individual, but that’s the most referential thing about their communication system. In contrast, ground squirrels have an amazingly semantically-rich signaling system. Nothing about the dolphin whistle repertoire would prevent it from being used as a discrete combinatorial system to convey unlimited meaning, it’s just that dolphins don’t use it for that.

Also, they are jerks:

Adult male dolphins routinely kill porpoises, not for food — or even out of competition for food – but because the porpoise is similar in size to a dolphin calf. The killings serve as practice for their regular infanticidal behaviour, a sure way to ready mothers for mating.

Interesting review/summary of a book that's coming out in a few months.

Snakes: Maybe creepier than fish

Oh holy lord. Decapitated snakes CAN STILL BITE.



As if I weren't skeeved out by snakes enough...

"They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth"

Fish are creepy as hell.

Exhibit A: The Pacu, a piranha relative, which can grow up to 55 pounds and which has huge human-like teeth that love to crunch on small, round objects. Like...testicles.

The Pacu is making the rounds of the internet today because somebody in Sweden caught one in the Øresund Sound, prompting the Natural History Museum of Denmark to put out a warming to men to "Keep your swimwear on if you're bathing in the Sound these days." Which is hilarious, of course. I'd cover the story too, if I were a journalist.

To tell you more about the Pacu, which really does sound a bit frightening, I'd like to quote the delightful Henrik Carl, "fish expert" at the Danish museum:

[Pacus] are almost identical to the piranha, you couldn't even tell from the outside. It's just that they have different teeth. Flatter and stronger, perfect for crushing....The pacu is not normally dangerous to people but it has quite a serious bite, there have been incidents in other countries, such as Papua New Guinea where some men have had their testicles bitten off....They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth...and its mouth is not so big, so of course it normally eats nuts, fruit, and small fish, but human testicles are just a natural target. It's not normal to get your testicles bitten off, of course, but it can happen, especially now in Sweden.

Then, helpfully, after terrifying everyone in both Sweden and Denmark, my buddy Henrik adds that the museum's warning was meant "as a bit of fun," and the discovery of the Pacu is really no big deal. Quoth he: "There's nothing to worry about... you're more likely to drown that get your nuts bitten off."

Alright. So, Pacus AND drowning. Lots to fear in Sweden!

Pacus have also been found in Illinois. So...cross that off the list of places I'll ever swim.

Cue the nighmares

--------------
Hat tip to Anonymous for sending this article to me. I was feeling very blog-uninspired today, and Anonymous saved Posting Day 7 with this delightful story.

Ain't nothing you can do about this one but worry

In my senior year high school yearbook, there was a section in the back, doubtlessly mass-produced in many other yearbooks of vintage 1999, in which notable events and news stories from the past year were described. While I'm sure there were many important things in there, the only one I remember (and I remember it vividly) was a mouse with what looked like* a human ear growing out of its back.**

At the time, I was fascinated and repelled by the mouse with the ear on its back. Revisiting it now, I find I still am, so much so that I will decline from posting a picture, though there are plenty on the web if you Google it or click some of the links on this page. I mean, I know the intention was to see if we could grow parts for human transplant on mice, which is nice and all, but the resulting creature is quite grotesque. Okay, totally grotesque.

Which is all to say that I'm super glad I don't (to my knowledge) have any errant parts (human or otherwise) growing where they don't belong. You may think it's silly to be glad about such a thing, but once I tell you about what I discovered yesterday you'll think yourself the silly one.

Here's what I discovered: Humans, after they are fully formed and growing up and living normally, sometimes GROW EXTRA BITS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG. And I'm not talking about cancer. I'm talking about actual body parts. How terrifying is that!?

From a blog at National Geographic:

One of the most common examples of misplaced cells seems to be livers. They grow all over the place. The first reported case, in 1922, described a liver growing on a gallbladder. Since then doctors have found other livers in gallbladders...as well as in the thoracic cavity, pancreas, esophagus, and on adrenal glands sitting atop the kidneys. A recent review finds 74 so-called ectopic livers reported in the medical literature, and offers no explanation.

Then there are the errant bones. Take a 2005 report of an 85-year-old woman in the U.K. who went to the doctor for bowel troubles. For a month, she had experienced alternating diarrhea and constipation. The doctors had no idea what it could be, so they peered inside her large intestine. They found a 1.5-centimeter pale brown polyp and sent it to the lab for testing. And what was that polyp? A piece of bone. In her colon. Why was it there? Unclear. Similarly, last year, researchers from India described a 16-year-old girl who couldn’t see out of her right eye. The vision loss had started six years earlier, when she suffered “accidental trauma by fist of hand.” Surgeons removed the eye and, a few weeks later, gave her an artificial one. When they analyzed the damaged eye in the lab, they found pieces of adult bone, with marrow and all.

Just one more...In 2007, researchers from Japan reported the case of an 11-year-old girl with a brain tumor. She had had the mass since birth and her doctors had been watching it closely throughout her childhood. By age 11, she needed surgery to remove it. Later, researchers analyzed the dissected tissue. And it was totally weird. As one study put it: “The initial histological analysis demonstrated a tumor growing out of what appeared to be nearly normal looking pancreas.” Pancreas. In her brain.

ACK. I wish I could un-learn all of that! Since I can't, I figure the second best thing is to share the horror.

I had a nightmare last night in which a femur grew out of my eye. I think the internet might be bad for my health.

*****

Bonus: here's two low-quality pictures from my high school days, stolen from someone on Facebook:

The good ol' basement, and its plaid couch.

Disco party! Definitely not a sausage fest.

*Turns out it wasn't an actual human ear, but rather some cow cartilage shaped to look like an ear. But I didn't know that until...right now.
**Wikipedia says this ear mouse ("Vacanti mouse") was unveiled in 1997, so I'm not really sure what it was doing in my yearbook. Did that section include highlights from my whole high school career, perhaps?

Australia is hereby crossed off the list of places I would consider living

Imagine walking into your charity store to find a hole in the ceiling, vomit on the floor, and all kinds of things messed up. You'd probably conclude a burglar broke in, vomited everywhere, made a mess, and left, right? Only...why didn't the burglar take anything?

Oh, it's because it's not a burglar. It's a 19-FOOT PYTHON. Which lay undetected in the charity store for a whole day after the break-in.

That's something that apparently happens in Australia, according to NPR/The AP:

Australian police were mystified by a chaotic crime scene including a hole in the ceiling and a smelly pool of vomit-like liquid — until they found the culprit was a 5.7-meter (19-foot) python.

The massive snake weighing in at 17 kilograms (37 pounds) was captured a day after a suspected burglary was reported at a charity store in Queensland in northeastern Australia.

"Its head was the size of a small dog," Police Sgt. Don Auld said Wednesday.

Before they found the python, investigators' working theory was that a human burglar with an appetite for destruction — and a serious illness — had gone on a rampage inside the St. Vincent de Paul store in the small town of Ingham.

"We thought a person had fallen through the ceiling because the roof panel was cut in half," Auld said. "When they've hit the floor, they've vomited and then staggered and fallen over. That's what we thought anyway."

Police now suspect the python entered the store through the roof, which was damaged in a cyclone two years ago.

The animal then plummeted through the ceiling, knocking over dishes, clothes and other items, before relieving itself on the floor. It somehow managed to hide from officials until staff spotted it lying alongside a wall the next day.

Can I just repeat what happened? A 37-pound 19-foot-long snake apparently lived in the roof of a building for some period of time, then fell through the ceiling, "vomiting"* everywhere, and then HID FOR A WHOLE DAY. I don't even want to GO to Australia anymore**, lest I wander into a place with a giant snake hiding out! I have the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.

Dear god.

*The "vomit" turned out to be "snake urine and feces," by the way.
**Lies. I totally do. I need to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef before it's dead!

Holy crap and a half

Have you guys heard about Cordyceps? It's a parasitic fungus that invades insects, hijacks their brain, and then uses their bodies to reproduce. It's freaky as hell, and yet I can't look away:

(See also.)

Don't be lulled into a false sense of security that something like this can't happen to you just because you're not an insect. Humans too can be invaded and have their brains hijacked (long article, but totally worth a read).

All Men are Mortal, and All Fruit Flies Are Boozers

Well, I'm sorry to say I haven't particularly cheered up as of late...I even flew myself all the way to California in the hopes that a change of pace (and some friend time) would make me feel better, and I continued to mope while I was there because everything is terrible and we're all gonna die and I'm gonna die alone and I am the worst. But I have been doing a lot of thinking about how to make life a little more enjoyable and I guess a good start is some edjumucation. I do like learning me some new things! Like these random tidbits I've stumbled across lately:

• Fruit flies seek fermenting fruit to keep wasps away.
• There is a contest for Oddest Book Title, and one of the books on the shortlist this year is God's Doodle, and I'll let you click on that link to find out what "God's doodle" is.
• Crying in space is hard to do.
• Thomas Edison invented LOLCats?
• The world is in need of portable fish authenticity tests...beware your sushi!
• Oh god, prairie dogs have the black death.
• Dolphins might call each other by name. Amazing.
• Holy moly look at these giant bird nests! I wouldn't want to stand under any of those...
• Note to self: do not store your gun magazine (should you ever be in possession of one) in the oven.
• OMG the world's soil is running out.
• And the pièce de résistance: Can you eat your own poop? Spoiler alert: Yep. Second spoiler alert: there is a word meaning "eating poop" and this word is "coprophagy." 

In some more existential crisis news, I recently read All Men are Mortal, by Simon de Beauvoir. It was an odd book that I don't particularly recommend, but I mention it because it was more or less a meditation on immortality, and therefore on mortality, and on what makes a life meaningful. The main message I took from the novel is that individual lives are relatively meaningless and can make little impact (even immortal ones) and in the aggregate humans are constantly repeating their errors...but at least humans are mortal and get to die. So let this serve as a note to self: life might be pointless, but at least you'll die some day!

And hey look, this is topical:

As is this (from one of my favorite new (to me) blogs).

And this:

Via

Finally, to finish this long ramble, I can't wait to teach my nephew about what goats actually sound like:


1:24 is obviously the best part of this compilation.

As if I needed *another* reason to be scared of the ocean

Man. Have you guys heard about cookie-cutter sharks?  I read an article about them last week and I think I'm going to have nightmares forever. "Cookie-cutter" sharks may sound adorable (who doesn't love cookies, after all), but don't be fooled--these buggers are terrifying little hell-raisers that attack things like great white sharks, dolphins, tuna, Orcas,...AND PEOPLE.* They're so awful that one shark expert (the alliteratively named Stewart Springer) apparently called  them "demon whale-biters," though he later popularized the "cookie cutter" moniker...maybe because he felt bad for calling them names? Personally, I think he over-corrected.

The primary thing that makes cookie cutter sharks so scary is their teeth, which are basically serrated saw blades (all connected together in one menacing piece), and the way that they use said teeth to attack things. Here's how a blogger at NatGeo described the animal:

It looks like a demonic cigar. It’s a small cat-sized animal with chocolate-coloured skin, a rounded snout, and large green eyes. Beneath the bizarre head, its lower jaw contains what looks like a saw—a row of huge, serrated teeth, all connected at their bases.

When the cookie-cutter finds a victim, it latches on with its large fleshy lips and bites down with its saw blade. With twisting motions, it scoops out a chunk of flesh, leaving behind circular craters...These are serious injuries—the biggest craters ever recorded were 5 centimetres wide and 7 centimetres deep. (These chunks are conical, so the cookie-cutter metaphor isn’t quite right; “Ice cream scoop shark” or “watermelon baller shark” are more accurate, if less catchy.)

Apparently, cookie cutter sharks have the biggest
teeth of any shark, in relation to their jaws.

Terrifying, right??? If you were ever unlucky enough to be attacked by a cookie cutter shark (which you probably won't be, as they only come out at night, and who in their right mind swims in the ocean at night?!), the main problem you would have is that your wound CAN'T HEAL. To quote someone who appears to have no medical training, but who LiveScience talked to about cookie cutter shark bites nonetheless,

Not only is [a cookie cutter shark bite] painful, but it presents a difficult circumstance for recovery in the sense that there has to be plastic surgery to close the wound and you have permanent tissue loss.

Oh, no biggie, I just had some flesh scooped out of me by a demon whale biter. 

*Shudder*. Mark this as reason #2 why I plan never again to swim in the ocean. (Reason #1 is accidental paralysis, as described here.)

Now, I'd better get to something less horrible. You're welcome for this cheerful Monday pick-me-up!




------------
*And Submarines! According to Wikipedia:

During the 1970s, several U.S. Navy submarines were forced back to base for repairs by cookiecutter shark bites to the neoprene boots of their AN/BQR-19 sonar domes, which caused the sound-transmitting oil inside to leak and impaired navigation. An unknown enemy weapon was initially feared, before this shark was identified as the culprit, and the problem was solved by installing fiberglass covers around the domes.In the 1980s, some thirty U.S. Navy submarines were damaged by cookiecutter shark bites, mostly to the rubber-sheathed electric cable leading to the sounding probe used to ensure safety when surfacing in shipping zones. Again, the solution was to apply a fiberglass coating.

Nobody puts baby in the corner! Or out in the park.

Folks, if we are going to continue the human race, we are going to have to protect our children. If I learned anything in chorus in elementary school, it is this: I believe the children are our future. (Teach them well, and leeeeet them leeeead the wayyyy...)*

That's why I'm surprised we aren't still heeding the following recommendation from the Kansas State Board of Public Health, circa 1920:

Via

Moms these days are so overprotective. I think it's pretty clear from this well-thought-out poster that all you need to do is stick baby in the pen under the tree and let him Amuse Himself. He'll be fine; just don't do it THE WRONG WAY!

And if ever there was a case for keeping baby in a pen, it is this video that's making the rounds of the internet:

BEWARE THE EAGLES.

Yes, yes, I know, the video is a hoax (sorry for the bad PR, Canada). But according to the New York Times (September 25, 1888), this very thing has actually happened.**

Don't say I haven't warned you.

-------
*Another thing I learned in chorus in elementary school is that I am terrible at singing.
**...Maybe.

Fish out of water

Did you hear about the catfish in France who JUMP OUT OF THE WATER TO HUNT PIGEONS?

Humanity, you are warned.

Beware the pigs

So I've been pretty disconsolate this week, moping around and crying periodically when I'm left alone without sufficient distraction. But I guess things could be worse...I could get EATEN BY MY HOGS.

According to various news reports, a 69-year-old Oregon farmer was eaten by his giant hogs last Wednesday. The poor man apparently went out to feed his 700-pound oinkers and never came home. When his family went to look for him several hours later, all they found were his dentures; further searching of the pig pen revealed bits and pieces of his body. Nobody is quite sure how this happened, but the two primary hypotheses seem to be that (a) he had a heart attack or some other similar malady, and fell into the pen, at which time the pigs ate him, or (b) he was attacked by the pigs, pulled into the pen, and eaten alive. To quote what I believe is the original media report, "While investigators are certain that the hogs consumed most of Garner’s body, they do not know how he died." Authorities in Oregon have dispatched a forensic anthropologist to look into the matter.

Ten points for the Examiner, which posted this awful picture along with their version of the story:

Now, if you think this is the first time such a gruesome thing has happened, let me disabuse you of such notions. In 2004, some hogs in Romania knocked a farmer's wife unconscious and ate off her face and ears and fingers (she later died). In 2006, a farmer in England was bitten and mauled by his hogs; he was fortunately saved by his wife, who turned a hose on the pig. And there are probably many more similar incidents, but I don't feel like looking for them. So I guess I'll end with this life lesson: If you are raising 700-pound hogs, keep a hose nearby. You can thank me later for that valuable piece of advise.

Now, back to moping.

Ha, like I would have pets. Those things are liable to eat you!

Friday fears, facts and funnies*

1. Some people are concerned about robots taking over the world. Me, I'm more concerned that the monkeys will overwhelm us someday. (Disclaimer: I use the term "monkey" to mean any kind of primate; I shamefully do not know what distinguishes a monkey from other kinds of monkey-like beings. Orangutans are orange though, I know that.) Anyway, in July I ran across a fascinating article about which I haven't had a chance to properly blog but which I want to share before I forget. Listen to this, people: Monkeys are giving themselves pedicures! Combine that with those monkeys that have figured out to hunt with spears, and it's not too large a leap to think that the apes will be inventing gunpowder pretty soon, after which they will come for us.
   
   
2. On my birthday (aside: I am now 30 and still not a "doctor," womp womp), it was revealed that my three-month-long campaign to improve my office's coffee situation was successful: We replaced our awful, ancient, dirty, foul-coffee-making coffeemaker with a Keurig! Everyone is thrilled (I'm the best assistant director ever!)...except for me, because I realized that (why did I not think of this before) I'm not really sure what is in those plastic K-cups. I mean, I know there's coffee in them, but what's in the packaging material is what I want to know. Hot water runs through that plastic cup and into my coffee cup and then I drink it...is that hot water loaded with leached chemicals? I bet you anything it's laced with BPA. (Gahhh. I said I wanted to know what's in there, but maybe I don't...)
   
   
3. Presciently related: In June I wrote a little thing about BPA I never got around to finishing:
   

   BPA's been in the news yet again, with more alarming reports about our average levels of exposure to the chemical, as well as the consequences of such exposure. Civil Eats reports:
   

   According to a new study, exposure to the gender-bending chemical Bisphenol-A (BPA) is worse than previously estimated. The study, which appeared Monday [June 6] in Environmental Health Perspectives, is the first to recreate the chronic daily intake of BPA in humans, which leaches into our food–our primary channel for exposure–via its packaging. Researchers showed this by feeding a steady BPA-spiked diet to mice, whereas previous studies have only used a single exposure.

   One of the authors of the recently published article explains that BPA exposure via food packaging could be a significant problem, the depths of which are not yet understood:
   

   When BPA is taken through the food, the active form may remain in the body for a longer period of time than when it is provided through a single treatment, which does not reflect the continuous exposure that occurs in animal and human populations...We need to study this further to determine where the ingested BPA becomes concentrated and subsequently released back into the bloodstream to be distributed throughout the body.
   
   We know that the active form of BPA binds to our steroid receptors, meaning it can affect estrogen, thyroid and testosterone function. It might also cause genetic mutations. Thus, this chemical can hinder our ability to reproduce and possibly cause behavioral abnormalities that we are just beginning to understand.

   Grrrreat...now I'm concerned I'm getting a dose of behavioral abnormalities every morning with my (quite tasty) coffee. And I don't think this is an invalid concern, either.
   
   
4. What if human beings aren't born with an "instinct" to believe in the supernatural? Is such illogic something we really want to inculcate our children with?
   
   
5. Did you know there's a peanut shortage? Neither did I.
   
   
6. Finally, two funny videos I've been sent recently that I've watched and re-watched all week. The first you've probably seen, the second I'd guess not:
   
   
   Tuna, Eggs, Doritos, Cheesecake, Tamale, See ya!
   
   
   Straight-up got mauled by a cougar!
   
   
7. Today's Sunday, but tomorrow's still the weekend...Thank you Christopher Columbus! You are not my favorite dude, but any day on which I get paid for not going to work is definitely one I cherish.
   
   

*Wrote most of this on Friday, publishing it on Sunday, keeping the title for the alliteration.

The world, she is a dangerous place

If I were mother earth, I'd be pretty pissed off at humankind. And if I believed in a mother earth, I'd totally believe she's pretty pissed off. I mean, how else would you explain the glut of tornadoes in the south? That's clearly retribution for the fact that there's still a giant hole in the ozone layer (Side note: Is it shocking that until recently I did not realize that the ozone hole is still a problem?). Or, you know, the tornadoes might just be retribution for climate change in general. Or not. We don't know.

This is actually what I'm most concerned about in general: We don't know. All things considered, caveatting this statement with my rudimentary understanding of science and nature, we barely know anything about the ultimate consequences of what we're doing to the world. Even scarier, if my friends are at all representative of most people, we don't much care to know. I can't tell you the number of times I've tried to tell someone something about disease or climate change or death or disaster (I'm a great person to invite to parties, by the way) only to hear, 'I don't want to know! Stop talking!' People: Ignorance may be bliss, but complacency kills. Absence of evidence isn't evidence of absence! (Side note: I'm getting a lot of new catch phrases from the reading I've been doing for this blog. I like it. Almost time to make a cartoon about me! ...Or unfriend me, as the case may be.)

Related: Want to know where (in America) you are most likely to die from weather-related incidents? There's a map for that! (Ha, good pun, self.)

****

In non-weather related news, I learned yesterday about some new ways to contract illness and/or get paralyzed:

1. Touching armadillos = leprosy.

Yep, according to a study that I read about on the NPR website, touching raw armadillo meat can give you leprosy. Finally, vindication for my fear of touching raw meat! Not that I've ever touched raw armadillo. But that would fall under my "ew" category just as much as chicken and beef. (Funniest part of the NPR article: right after warning you to avoid touching armadillo, they link to an armadillo chili recipe on some website...called yumyum.com.)

Related: Want to know where the most cases of leprosy occur in the US? There's a map for that too! (Less funny pun the second time, but still a true statement.)

2. Trying surfing for the first time = paralyzed.

While idly surfing the net last night, I came across a website I probably shouldn't know about called OMG Facts. One of the facts that I read actually did make me go OMG, so I shall share it with you: There's a documented medical condition called surfer's myelopathy, in which, when you try surfing for the first time, you could end up paralyzed. (To be fair, the condition can actually be caused by any activity in which you hyper-extend your back, but is most often (or most sensationally?) caused by surfing for the first time. I know! OMG, right??)

I don't want to sound alarmist (ha! of course I do!), but my discovery of this disorder means I am likely never to go in the ocean again. Not that I often go in it at the moment--I am already scared of the ocean, what with jellyfish and sharks and weird fish and all. AND, believe it or not, I have already been kind of worried about ocean-related paralysis, thanks to the "community water safety" segment I had to take in my 12th grade gym class (taught by Ms. Miller, she of the four-inch-long bedazzled fingernails). I vividly remember sitting in the humid pool room, on the bleachers, watching a video in which a man describes (and an actor reenacts) running into the ocean, encountering a wave, and ending up paralyzed (here's a similar story). The lesson I learned from this video was not to be careful, but rather to avoid the ocean at all costs. At that point in my life I had only ever been swimming in the ocean once (actually, the gulf of Mexico), and I found it to be an extremely unpleasant, salty experience. So avoiding the ocean, which I've done fairly successfully since 12th grade (three Hawaii trips excluded), really isn't too difficult for me. I might live in Los Angeles, but I think I've gone within an eighth of a mile of the ocean maybe ten times in the five years I've been here. Do I want to go to the beach? You mean, do I want to sit out on a swath of sand with hoards of people, roasting in the cancerous sun, sand getting in everything, wind whipping the pages around on the book I'm trying to read, with the risk of paralysis (or shark bite) if I try to get in the water? I'll pass, thanks.

With that happy thought, I wish you a tornado-, paralysis- and armadillo-free weekend! XOXO.

Did you know armadillos can swim? Me neither!

Only eight months until 2012...

Call me a pessimist, but we might need to start preparing for the End Times like, now.* Just look at what has happened in the last day or so!

Another giant earthquake in Japan!

A pretty big earthquake in Mexico.

A less big earthquake in Arkansas.

Announcement of two Jersey Shore spin-off shows, featuring JWow/Snooki and DJ Pauly D.

Need I say any more?

On top of all this, I learned today that cats have been known to sleep with babies...on their faces...suffocating them. Evidently this is not news, however, as this New York Times article from 1909 attests:

Thank goodness I'm allergic to cats, is all I have to say about that (and we haven't even touched on toxoplasmosis!). Not that I have a baby, but still. If California gets hit by a giant earthquake, causing major societal collapse and disruption of the food supply, I'm going to recommend eating the cats first of all. We've got to save the babies!



Keep up with your earthquake sightings here.  And learn more about cats suffocating people, such as drunken college students, here.


*By preparing for the end times I mostly mean buying a gun and investing in some water filtration products. Don't want to get too crazy, now.