Diversions

I'm tired and grumpy today, in need of diversions from a swirling morass of headache and morose thoughts.

That's why I'm glad Jessie forwarded me a link to this blog yesterday, which is awesome. I'm just sad that I didn't think of that idea first. "The bacon was hot, the kiwi was cold and the pasta was vinegary." I can't wait to read more.

Also there is this from McSweeny's:

I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU LIKE IN THE MOVIES.

I want to go at it under the sheets no matter how hot it is. Our feet will extend past the end of the bed, even though you get no leverage that way. We will not notice any unexpected moles or embarrassing tattoos. Everything that happens will be sexy. There won’t be any gross sounds or sights. Just like in the movies, our sex will be tasteless and odorless. I will not kiss your neck and get a mouthful of perfume and then you’re like what’s wrong and I’ll be like nothing and you’ll get all distant and I’ll be like sorry it’s the taste of your perfume, and you’ll be sad because you only wore it because I said I liked it one time and then all of a sudden you’re not in the mood and I think about sneaking off to the bathroom to furtively masturbate but I don’t and I just hold you limply until you fall asleep then I check Twitter for like an hour. That doesn’t happen.

I’ll lay out rose petals across the bed, and they won’t get in our butts, though it seems some of them logically would. I’ll rub an ice cube all over you, and you won’t burst out giggling, causing me to grow self-conscious and lose my erection. I’ll drip wax on you, which will be erotic and not at all like the other times you’ve burnt yourself on something hot, which have not been erotic at all. We’ll eat dessert off of each other’s nude bodies like that’s not the grossest thing two people could do to their sheets and skin. “Can’t we just have those strawberries later? I’m going to get all sticky,” is something you won’t say, in this paradise of physical pleasure.

And:

Great job! You’ve succeeded at nothing. But you voted. Here’s a sticker!

Is today over yet?

So good.

"These guys aren't shucking around." Ha!

I heart public broadcasting. So much. This reminds me that I need to donate to my local station.

Gluten humor

Gluten humor...not something you see every day, especially not with a paranoid conspiracy twist. Love it.

Bad Children's Books

People are pretty awesome sometimes. Illustrator Bob Staake has come up with a series of farcical "bad children's books" that totally made me giggle. Some samples:

The whole gallery here.

Ugh, is it only Tuesday?

Not that I condone the distruction of property...

...but sometimes graffiti can make a marvelous improvement to a billboard.

Observe:

Apparently this was spotted in downtown Seattle last month (source).

A little lead in moderation never hurt nobody!

Thanks to Jessie for today's funny:

In other news, this sounds like the most bad-ass corn maze ever.* It's just north of Boston...who wants to go?

*Also like the least bad-ass couple ever

Friday fears, facts and funnies*

1. Some people are concerned about robots taking over the world. Me, I'm more concerned that the monkeys will overwhelm us someday. (Disclaimer: I use the term "monkey" to mean any kind of primate; I shamefully do not know what distinguishes a monkey from other kinds of monkey-like beings. Orangutans are orange though, I know that.) Anyway, in July I ran across a fascinating article about which I haven't had a chance to properly blog but which I want to share before I forget. Listen to this, people: Monkeys are giving themselves pedicures! Combine that with those monkeys that have figured out to hunt with spears, and it's not too large a leap to think that the apes will be inventing gunpowder pretty soon, after which they will come for us.
   
   
2. On my birthday (aside: I am now 30 and still not a "doctor," womp womp), it was revealed that my three-month-long campaign to improve my office's coffee situation was successful: We replaced our awful, ancient, dirty, foul-coffee-making coffeemaker with a Keurig! Everyone is thrilled (I'm the best assistant director ever!)...except for me, because I realized that (why did I not think of this before) I'm not really sure what is in those plastic K-cups. I mean, I know there's coffee in them, but what's in the packaging material is what I want to know. Hot water runs through that plastic cup and into my coffee cup and then I drink it...is that hot water loaded with leached chemicals? I bet you anything it's laced with BPA. (Gahhh. I said I wanted to know what's in there, but maybe I don't...)
   
   
3. Presciently related: In June I wrote a little thing about BPA I never got around to finishing:
   

   BPA's been in the news yet again, with more alarming reports about our average levels of exposure to the chemical, as well as the consequences of such exposure. Civil Eats reports:
   

   According to a new study, exposure to the gender-bending chemical Bisphenol-A (BPA) is worse than previously estimated. The study, which appeared Monday [June 6] in Environmental Health Perspectives, is the first to recreate the chronic daily intake of BPA in humans, which leaches into our food–our primary channel for exposure–via its packaging. Researchers showed this by feeding a steady BPA-spiked diet to mice, whereas previous studies have only used a single exposure.

   One of the authors of the recently published article explains that BPA exposure via food packaging could be a significant problem, the depths of which are not yet understood:
   

   When BPA is taken through the food, the active form may remain in the body for a longer period of time than when it is provided through a single treatment, which does not reflect the continuous exposure that occurs in animal and human populations...We need to study this further to determine where the ingested BPA becomes concentrated and subsequently released back into the bloodstream to be distributed throughout the body.
   
   We know that the active form of BPA binds to our steroid receptors, meaning it can affect estrogen, thyroid and testosterone function. It might also cause genetic mutations. Thus, this chemical can hinder our ability to reproduce and possibly cause behavioral abnormalities that we are just beginning to understand.

   Grrrreat...now I'm concerned I'm getting a dose of behavioral abnormalities every morning with my (quite tasty) coffee. And I don't think this is an invalid concern, either.
   
   
4. What if human beings aren't born with an "instinct" to believe in the supernatural? Is such illogic something we really want to inculcate our children with?
   
   
5. Did you know there's a peanut shortage? Neither did I.
   
   
6. Finally, two funny videos I've been sent recently that I've watched and re-watched all week. The first you've probably seen, the second I'd guess not:
   
   
   Tuna, Eggs, Doritos, Cheesecake, Tamale, See ya!
   
   
   Straight-up got mauled by a cougar!
   
   
7. Today's Sunday, but tomorrow's still the weekend...Thank you Christopher Columbus! You are not my favorite dude, but any day on which I get paid for not going to work is definitely one I cherish.
   
   

*Wrote most of this on Friday, publishing it on Sunday, keeping the title for the alliteration.

Comic Wednesday!

Hump day, time for a laugh. This week, from the husband/wife team that brings you Natalie Dee, Toothpaste For Dinner, and Married to the Sea, I present to you some apt commentary on several of this blog's favorite themes...including but not limited to the lack of foresight by political leadership, and the contents of the internet.

Finally, guess which one I am:

Dogbert might be on to something...

Via.

I should probably make this my profile pic, huh?

From Natalie Dee.

And now, a moment of morbid humor

Via fuckyeahnouns.com, the internet meme sensation.