Thursday, May 19, 2011

Judgment Day! Bible Guaranteed! (Or your money back?)

This wouldn't be a proper doomsday blog without a nod to the predicted upcoming rapture on Saturday, May 21st. This will happen, according to proponents, because the bible guarantees it!

The prognostication of May 21 as Judgment day is getting tons of press coverage, in part because a dedicated and vocal group of people has been traveling the country, putting up billboards, and just generally trumpeting (ha! picture-related pun!) the fact that on May 21 sh*t's gonna get raptured.  The projected date of judgment relies upon 89-year-old Harold Camping's mathematical calculations, which have "proved" (with math!) that on May 21, 2011--at 6pm--Jesus will come back.  Kind of crazy, yes, and entertaining too, but there is also a sad component in there. I heard a piece on the radio recently about people who have quit their jobs, spent all their money, even divorced their spouses, all in the service of spreading the word that judgment day is coming. I really hope they were living it up along the way, because come May 22--assuming nobody is swept away on the wings of rapture--those are going to be some unhappy people.

I'm as curious as the next person about a) why so many people have jumped on board the May 21 train, and b) how this specific date was chosen as doomsday, so I read through this insanely long document, titled "NOTHING is more important," which covers, in detail, a) how to read the bible, b) how to interpret the bible, and c) why the day of judgment will be, without question, on May 21.  (Also, d) why evolution is wrong.) Man...let me tell you, whoever wrote that tract was super thorough; it is jam-packed with information!  There's so much to take in that it took me an embarrassingly long time to find the part where the author explicates the calculation of the precise date of the rapture.  Along the way, I learned several interesting things, including:

1. God Loves Factor Trees.

An Infallible Proof (their words, not mine):
Christ was crucified on April 1, 33 AD, the day of Passover in 33 AD...[and] there are exactly 722,500 days inclusive from April 1, 33 AD to May 21, 2011, the Day of Judgment. The number 722,500 can be broken down to the spiritually significant numbers of (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) (5-judgment/salvation, 10-completeness, 17-heaven).

It is absolutely incredible that two dates (April 1, 33 AD and May 21, 2011) separated by almost 2,000 years break down into two pairs of very significant spiritual numbers (5, 10, 17). Only God, who created this great universe with all of its precise physical laws, could have designed the timeline of history in such a precise and marvelous way. It cannot be coincidental that these two dates are tied together in such an exact manner.
But wait, there's more! Chew on this:
The number 666 [which signifies the devil, obvs -ed.] breaks down into the spiritually significant numbers of 2 x 3 x 3 x 37. 7 (2-Gospel, 3-purpose, 37--judgment). 

The number of years from the completion of the Old Testament in 391 BC to 2011 AD is 2,401 years which quite amazingly breaks down to 7 x 7 x 7 x 7 (7-completeness).
Why do all this factoring? Well, like I said, God loves factor trees.  Or, in the words of the tract writer, "God uses numbers to convey spiritual truth." If by some chance you want to know more, there are tons of factor trees laid out on pages 29-33.

2. There is nothing you can do to be saved. You are either saved or you're not. It doesn't matter what you do.

To quote the self-professed experts:
God’s chosen people, referred to as His elect, had nothing to do with being chosen for salvation...Who God chooses is His business. He tells us He is not a respecter of persons. This means that God has chosen people from all walks of life, from all races and nationalities, no matter how sinful they might be. The saved can be mentally handicapped or smart, infants or elderly, rich or poor, or anybody in between. It is all up to God.
What if you haven't been chosen? Tough luck.
Those not elected by God will not be saved. They are born with souls that are dead, and their bodies will eventually perish.
But it's not all bad news:
Those who are not God’s elect will be eternally destroyed (annihilated), they will not be living eternally in a place of torment called hell as is commonly taught.
So hey, you might not get saved, but at least you won't rot in hell! Just in your grave.

3. All Churches are Wrong. They are false and lead by Satan. And I quote:
Without exception, there is no church today that is faithfully listening to the entire Bible....Anyone who is not following the God of the Bible is following a false religion and will come under the wrath of God.

Church members sincerely believe that they have the truth, but there can only be one truth, and that is the truth of the Bible as revealed by God to those whose spiritual eyes He has opened. The Bible is clear that beginning with The Great Tribulation, Satan began ruling in the churches. Churches are now under the authority of Satan who is showing himself as God.

Satan is the ruler, and the ministers and teachers in the churches are transformed as ministers of righteousness.  
In other words, by all appearances those in the churches believe they are worshipping God, but in reality they are worshipping Satan!  
In particular, Satan has become particularly active since 1988, when The Great Tribulation started. Um, of course. I knew something went wrong in '88...that's the year my brother was born.

4. Many people believe the mark of the beast is some type of ID or embedded chip.

Really?



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Okay, let's get back to the point: Why May 21? I'll tell you.

According to God (slash Harold Camping), Noah's Flood was on the 17th day of the 2nd month of the year 4990 BC.  Since God said that "a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day," and that Noah was given 7 days to enter the ark, by logical extension humanity has been given a 7,000 year warning (starting at the time of the flood) about the Day of Reckoning. What is 7,000 years after 4990 BC? Why, 2011, of course, and converting the biblical calendar to our current-day calendar reveals that May 21st is "the 17th day of the 2nd month in the year 2011."

Next question: What will happen on May 21? I'm glad you asked! According to Harold Camping's bible readings:

On May 21st, whoever has been pre-chosen to be raptured will be "caught up in the air" and raptured.  With whatever benefits come with that. I guess no more sin? And a new heavenly body?

Meanwhile, there will be, and I quote, a "super enormous earthquake," one that is so big that all the graves of everyone who has ever been buried will be thrown open and corpses will be thrust out on the earth's surface. (Exception: dead people who have been raptured.)  The earthquake will result in tsunamis, "destroyed water systems and power plants, etc. Thus, there will be great plagues."

The earthquake marks the beginning of the five-month/153-day period between the rapture and the End of Times.

All those of us who were not ratpured will spend the period between May 21, 2011 and October 21, 2011 surrounded by decomposed and decomposing corpses, being plagued, and bemoaning the fact that we have not been saved.  Indeed, everyone on earth who was not preordained to be saved will experience (and I quote) "horrible sorrow" and "great shame" as they realize that we have been "left behind and are under the full wrath of God."  We will also "experience physical pain, which results from the plagues that will occur all over the world." 

On or before the last day of the universe, October 21, 2011, we will all die. If we didn't die from plague, earthquake or tsunami, then we'll be around for a great big fire, it seems.  On October 21:
The earth and all of its works will be burned up, even as the whole universe will be destroyed. The 13,023-year history of the world and all that has transpired here will be remembered no more.

All 13,023 years of the earth--all for naught!  Such a shame.

So that's what's coming, starting on Saturday, May 21, at 6pm.  Mark your calendars!

Final question: Why do so many people believe this?  This I have no answer for.  Except to say that it is probably only a small proportion of people who have actually wholeheartedly embraced the May 21 J-day thing.  It just seems like more because the rash of media coverage (plus the billboards) gives the false impression that the belief is more widespread. So perhaps the question should be, why do any people believe this?  And why is Harold Camping's media empire worth millions of dollars?



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Clearly, I got a little too into reading about this May 21 hoohah, but I couldn't help myself. It's so fascinating (in an intellectual rubber-necking sort of way) that I can't help but look.  I'm not quite convinced by the arguments, however. I've got a few questions.

1.Time reports the earthquakes will start at 6pm on May 21.  6pm in what time zone? Or is the earthquake going to shake only one timezone at a time, starting at 6pm local time?

2. What is the point of quitting your job to tell everyone they are going to die? Especially if doing so won't help anybody get saved?  It's a little bit morbid and depressing, if you ask me (you know, the girl with the blog titled "We're All Gonna Die.") I mean, really. If there is nothing you can do to save yourself, why bother spreading the word? Do you just enjoy giving bad news?  Wouldn't you rather spend your last bits of money on booze and meth? You've already been saved, presumably, so you might as well sin it up instead of standing around on Bruin plaza in neon yellow shirts with signs proclaiming the apocalypse.

3.  Follow-up question: if we are already saved, or not saved, what's with the billboards?

4.  The word "Infallible," often followed by "proof," dots the document I read about May 21 being judgment day.  Do you think Harold Camping has a file in his office called "Infallible proof my May 21st infallible proof was fallible"? How is he going to explain himself if this time-zone-specific earthquake thing doesn't happen?  In 1994, when he previously predicted the rapture, erroneously, he claimed "important subsequent biblical information was not yet known." Basically, he made a math error. But now the Bible Guarantees May 21 is Correct!  I can't imagine his media empire will be worth as much on May 22, if the earth doesn't become covered in dead bodies...though who knows. He can always blame the math (which, let's be honest, nobody really "got" in the first place).  Plus, people are crazy.

5.  Is it a coincidence that on May 21 I will be "caught up in the air" (albeit on an airplane, not necessarily in rapture)? Or that I have 5 presentations to give at a conference staring on May 22, but none of them are done yet despite my best efforts?  Or that the number of days between my birth and May 21--10,824--factors into (4*6*40*10)+(2*12*(17+40-6)), where 2, 4, 6, 10, 12, 17, and 40 are all spiritually significant numbers? OR that I am actually already one of god's "chosen people," according to what I was told in Hebrew School? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.



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Two links to end the post.
1. Worried about your pet after the rapture? This guy has you covered.
2. Want to party while shit gets crazy on May 21? AP has some party suggestions.

1 comment:

  1. Damn. I should have scheduled my wedding before October 21st. I knew something like this was going to happen.

    ReplyDelete