Well isn't this just the pits!*

Not many people know this about me, but body odor is one of my least favorite smells ever. I have extremely vivid memories of the first time I ever smelled BO...I was standing behind Stephanie Whateverhenamewas, in the Boynton middle school gym, and when she raised up her arms to shoot a basketball I almost keeled over and died. I simply did not understand how a single human being could release so much stench--I didn't even know it was possible. That fateful and smelly gym class has forever etched itself in my memory, and ever since then I have been an avid deodorant/antiperspirant user. Mostly because I'd like to avoid scarring others like Stephanie scarred me...but also because I hate sweating. A lot.

Of course, I've spent over a decade now slathering mysterious white goo on my armpits, and I've never bothered to find out what kind of awful chemicals are in the deodorant I use. And then yesterday I see this on my Google reader. Turns out deodorant is full of all kinds of things that no good human being should have in or on their body...or so I gathered from the ten seconds I spent reading that Good article and some other random sites, including this one about "body burden," before I had to quit out of despair.

To quote the girl who pulled the stunt that ultimately brought the issue to my attention:

Ingredients in...deodorants are linked to developmental and reproductive toxicity, neurotoxicity, immunotoxicity, and organ system toxicity. Specifically, Secret Deodorant contains Butane, a chemical linked to allergies, immunotoxicity, and organ system toxicity, and 18% Aluminum Chlorohydrate, which is linked to developmental and reproductive toxicity and neurotoxicity. The product also contains Dimethicone, a silicone emollient, which coats the skin not allowing toxins out. It may promote tumors and accumulate in the liver and lymph nodes.

Secret is the brand of deodorant I've always used! Oh god! I don't know what to do! Do I poison myself and not smell, or smell and not poison myself? It's a classic catch 22. (Wait...maybe not....wow I just spent half an hour clicking links off of that Wikipedia page; there is some interesting stuff out there. Why can't my job be reading Wikipedia? (Related.))

This morning while I was getting ready to start my day, I spent a good long minute staring at my deoderant, wondering if I should put it on at the risk of poisoning my organs. I ultimately did use it because at the moment I have no viable alternative (letting myself smell and sweat is unacceptable), but I don't know if I can in good conscience continue to use a toxic tube of cancer much longer. What to do, people? What to do? (To make a sad story sadder, I just bought a new tube of deodorant over the weekend. Of course.)

Alas alack, I suppose it was only a matter of time before this blog started to terrify me for real...all I can say is I'm just glad I don't wear makeup, or use many skin care products at all. Just imagine what is in that stuff--I'm sure it's not good. Take that, everyone who ever told me I should wear makeup!

***

Wait! A! Second!! The problem is solved! Joan Rivers uses vodka as deodorant. Yes, really. That totally seems like something I can get behind, as long as I don't end up smelling like a drunk hobo. Maybe I'll look into using vodka to make my own deodorant this weekend. Lest you think I'm kidding, I assure you that I wouldn't put it past me. It certainly sounds better than writing my dissertation.

*It's a pun! Get it? Har har!