Long time no blog

Oh, hai. It's been a while since I blogged, huh? My bad! I've been home moping about this eventuality:

Big huge thank you to Jessie for sending me a link to this.

Okay, so not really...I've just been busy with work and life, and sick to boot.*

To make up for my absence, here are some links to interesting things that aren't at all on topic with the theme of this blog, but which I liked nonetheless:

1. Can someone be swallowed by a whale, alive? (SPOILER ALERT: Nope.)
2. How does Trader Joe's do what it does--whatever that is? Find out here. (SPOILER ALERT: The article does not address the uniformly abhorrent parking lots found connected to every Trader Joe's location. Note to journalists: I think the world is begging for an exposé of the TJ's parking lot planning process.)
3. Believe it or not, but there could be a secret to winning the lottery. (SPOILER ALERT: The dude who discovered this actually told the lottery people about it, so who knows if it'll still work.)
4. Twins, conjoined at the head, might have their minds connected via a thalamic bridge. (SPOILER ALERT: It's a really fascinating article.)

Now, I should probably work on my dissertation, na?

---

*In order, I've been convinced¹ that I have meningitis, tuberculosis, strep throat, and consumption.^2
1 Not really convinced, just mildly worried.
² Probably I have none of those things. But who knows! The doctor sure doesn't; she says what I have is "probably a virus that is going around." To alleviate the symptoms, she prescribed Mucinex³ and cough syrup with codeine for the nighttime,⁴ neither of which are particularly helpful to me in ruling out any of my self-diagnoses.
³ Of course, now I can't stop thinking I have little green men inside my lungs. Also: I haven't actually taken any Mucinex yet, as I'm kind of scared what will happen. The doctor says I should anticipate "expectorating" a lot. That doesn't sound fun!^5
4 This stuff is awesome.
⁵ Also, the Mucinex directions say adults should take "1 or 2 tablets," but provide no means of deciding whether 1 or 2 should be taken. Cue paralyzing indecision!

Friday the 13th Fun Fact: A mouse in Dew turns to Goo!

By now I'm sure you've heard about the mouse-in-the-mountain-dew thing (if not, don't worry, I'll explain), and you're probably wondering to yourself: why haven't I seen anything about it on this here blog? It seems right up Jessica's alley! Well, wonder no more, because here comes my two cents on the issue. Or, more accurately, here comes my probably too long introduction to an amazing court affidavit.

Here's the backstory:

In November of 2008, some guy, let's call him Beezow just for fun (though that is not his real name), bought a can of Mountain Dew from the vending machine at his work. He opened it up expecting a sweet, refreshing, dye-laden sip of flame retardant, but was instead met with--well, was instead allegedly met with--a rodent. This not unsurprisingly did not please Beezow; indeed, the ratty surprise was so displeasing that it (allegedly) caused him "permanent pain and mental anguish" (source), which (allegedly) lead to "medical bills, sustained disability, [and] lost wages" (source). So what did Beezee do? He sued Pepsi, of course.

According to the Madison Record, which first reported on this case, these are the pertinent facts:

"After purchasing said can of Mountain Dew [ed note: On November 10, 2008], [Beezow] opened the can and immediately became violently ill such that he began to vomit."

Immediately, [Beezow] poured the Mountain Dew into a Styrofoam cup. Along with the liquid, a dead mouse plopped out of the can.

Before [Beezow] purchased the can, it was sealed and had not been punctured or tampered with. [Ed note: The can was filled and sealed on August 28, 2008]

After finding the mouse in his soda, [Beezow] called the number on the side of the Mountain Dew can and made a formal complaint, he says.

An adjuster investigating [Beezow's] complaint called him back to ask if [Beezow] could send the mouse to the company as evidence of his claims, according to the complaint. Following the company's request, [Beezow] sent the dead mouse to the company in a mason jar filled with the leftover Mountain Dew from the can. [Ed note: This happened on November 11, 2008]

However, when [Beezow] requested the mouse be returned to him for use as evidence in the civil action and for independent testing, he was denied for a number of months, he says.

When [Beezow] finally did receive the mouse back, it was destroyed, according to the complaint.

So far, so good: A guy finds a mouse in his soda and sues the company that made the soda (Pepsi), and this company supposedly ruins the only evidence proving that he's telling the truth--it has all the makings of a true American fairy tale! It is also where the story gets interesting (to me, at least).

Pepsi apparently sent the mouse to a Utah-based veterinarian who specializes in necropsies (animal autopsies), and asked him to examine the mouse Beezow found in his drink--a mouse that, notably, was intact and identifiable as a rodent, with bones and all. The vet obliged immediately, and wrote up a report detailing his examination of the mouse. Based on this report, Pepsi agreed to go to court with Beezow, because, it turns out, it was impossible for Beezow to have found that specific mouse in his specific can of Dew. Why? Simply because the soda had left the factory (where the mouse would have had to have found its way into the drink) some 74 days before it was opened, and in those 74 days submerged in the Dew, there is no possible way the mouse could have remained intact--it would have turned into a "jelly-like" substance (as oft quoted).*

Crazy, right? Mountain Dew? More like Mountain Doom!

So I was all hyped up on this story--I love a good delusional court case, especially when it involves corrosive beverages--until I started doing more research. Although the media is widely implying otherwise, it isn't Mountain Dew per se that would have dissolved the rodent, but rather the acid in Mountain Dew, a fact that makes the story distinctly less exciting. I thus decided I would not blog about this after all...until I found this--the affidavit of the veterinary expert who testified on Pepsi's behalf, and I knew I had to share.

The affidavit is...awesome. And hilarious. And I have so many questions for the guy who wrote it--I would love to invite him to a dinner party. I highly recommend you read the document (it's short, and if nothing else, it will be an excellent distraction from your more important tasks), but just in case you're too lazy, I really want to excerpt some of my favorite parts. I bolded my most favoritest bits.

On the vet's qualifications to be writing the affidavit:

7. I have dedicated my entire career to veterinary pathology and have performed necropsies (autopsies) on thousands of animals.

8. I have performed at least several hundred necropsies on animals commonly referred to as rodents, such as mice and rats.

9. I have studied and am familiar with the effects an acidic fluid, such as common soda drinks including Mountain Dew, will have on mice and other animals. In particular, I have participated in necropsies of such creatures and have examined microscopically and histologically the tissues from such creatures that had been purposefully placed inside cans containing such fluids.

On his predictions of what will happen to a mouse submerged in an acidic fluid such as Mountain Dew:

10. If a mouse is submerged in a fluid with the acidity of Mountain Dew, the following will occur due to the normal acidity of the fluid:

a. Between four days to at most seven days in the fluid, the mouse will have no calcium in its bones and bony structures.

b. Within four to seven days in the fluid, the mouse's abdominal structure will rupture. Its cranial cavity (head) is also likely to rupture within that time period.

c. By 30 days of exposure to the fluid, all of the mouse's structures will have disintegrated to the point the structures (excepting possibly a portion of the tail) will not be recognizable, and, therefore, the animal itself will not be recognizable. Instead, after 30 days in the fluid, the mouse will have been transformed into a "jelly-like" substance.

On his examination of the mouse from Beezow's soda:

16. On gross examination of the animal, I was unable to open the eyelids. This indicates the animal was a young (at most 2 to 4 weeks old) mouse at the time of its death. (There is an outside possibility the animal was a very young rat.)

17. There was some autolysis and autolytic bacteria found in and around the mouse. This indicates the mouse was dead and exposed to air before entering the fluid.

18. On both gross and microscopic examination, the mouse's bones were present, identifiable, and contained calcium. This establishes that, from a medical and scientific standpoint, the mouse could not have been and was not in the Mountain Dew fluid for more than 7 days (at most) and, therefore, could not have been and was not in the Mountain Dew fluid at the time the can was produced (filled and sealed) on August 28, 2008.

19. After my gross examination of the mouse, I opened the mouse's abdominal cavity. The abdominal cavity had not ruptured, and I observed and was able to identify the internal organs. These findings also establish the mouse had not been in the fluid for more than 7 days at most and most certainly was not in the fluid on and since the date of production, August 28, 2008.

His conclusions:

22. Based upon findings from my examination of the mouse, my educational and professional education, training, and experience, my background with such matters as summarized above, and upon a reasonable degree of scientific, veterinary medical, and veterinary pathological certainty, I have (without limitation) the following opinions:

a. The animal claimed to have been found in the subject can of Mountain Dew was a young mouse at the time of its death, at most 2 to 4 weeks old, though I cannot completely rule out the possibility the animal was a very young rat of approximately the same age.

b. The mouse was dead when it entered the Mountain dew fluid and had been exposed to air after it had died.

c. This mouse had not been born when the can of Mountain Dew was produced (filled and sealed) on August 28, 2008.

d. Because of the condition of the mouse, its internal organs, and cartilaginous and bony structures, namely that none of them had disintegrated or been decalcified, this mouse was not in the Mountain Dew for more than 7 days and could not have been and was not introduced into the can of Mountain Dew when the can was produced (filled and sealed) on August 28, 2008, seventy-four days before it was allegedly found in the can. From a medical, pathological and scientific view, that simply would not have been possible.

And finally, his opinion of Beezow's claim that the mouse was ruined during this examination (this is my most favorite part of all):

25. I disagree with the statements in the above paragraphs...and find them not to be true.

I'm going to start saying that to people. "I disagree with the statements you have made, and find them not to be true." Won't it be fun to argue with me!

In case you're wondering, the pH of the Mountain Dew was 3.43, "within the normal range for Mountain Dew." 3.43 is actually less acidic than a lot of things you might be drinking.

Also: Of course, YouTube has begun posting videos of Mouses in Mountain Dew. I want to get Mythbusters in on that action!

*Insert pun involving "No bones about it!" here.

Year-end ruminations

Oh--hello, blog. I'm feeling a bit melancholy as 2011 wraps up*, and I'm not in much of a blogging mood. Nevertheless, I thought I should do something to mark the end of what was quite a momentous year for me...and the planet. So I thought: How about an old-school Jessicool year in review, but with a new-school doomsday twist? Sounds fun, let's try it out.

January, 2011

In my life: Hot off of a month-long vacation at my childhood home, armed with half of a literature review for my dissertation (!), I decided to get off my fat ass and move a little more. So I did a bunch of hiking, where by "hiking" I mean "walking up mild-to-moderate inclines on dusty hills within or very close to the Los Angeles city limits." The views were mostly smoggy, but it was good to get out.

In we're-all-gonna-die news: On just the second of the year, there was a giant earthquake in Chile. This was followed almost immediately by awful flooding in Australia. Oh yeah - and then there was that rash of mass animal deaths. Apocalypse-believers doubtlessly went crazy.

February, 2011

In my life: February, 2011 saw me cultivating my love for a new (to me) game called Dominion, learned over break from my brother-in-law. This cultivation mostly took the form of me teaching the game to everyone I know and making them play with me whenever possible. I know it looks suspiciously like Magic (see right), but don't let that fool you: It is a sweet game that's not nerdy at all.**

**Lies. Totally nerdy. But also totally sweet.

In less awesome but quite related news, on the way to one of my many February Dominion nights I walked out to my car to discover a GIANT DENT in the rear bumper. Woe is me, it appears somebody ran into my car--hard--and drove away. My crime-scene sleuthing revealed it was a blue vehicle (based on the blue paint found on my bumper), and that it must have been a truck (based on the height of the dent), but that information never lead to the apprehension of the dent maker (surprising, I know). I thought I might get the dent fixed, but my insurance informed me I had a $1000 collision deductible...so I settled for driving a sloppy jalopy.

In we're-all-gonna-die news: I would be remiss if I did not mention that this here blog was begun in February, 2011, to the delight of doomsday prophesiers everywhere. Also to the delight of said prophesiers (but certainly not most other people), there was a giant earthquake in New Zealand, which caused many deaths. And let's not forget that Borders declared bankruptcy in February 2011, a move that proved the beginning of the end for what was, in my opinion, the best of the big-box bookstores.

March, 2011

In my life: In March, 2011, I drove up to the Bay Area to celebrate the 30th birthday of one of my oldest and closest friends. We had a grand old evening celebrating Jessie's entrée into her 30's, an evening so grand that it may or may not have ended up with me waking up on the floor in the middle of the night...and not Jessie's floor, either. But I can neither confirm nor deny that story.

In we're-all-gonna-die news: A simply enormous earthquake hit Japan in March 2011, followed closely by an equally enormous tsunami. Then, to add insult to widespread injury, a Japanese nuclear power plant damaged in the quake was found to be leaking radiation all over the place...radiation even got into the food! Bad, bad news all around.

April, 2011

In my life: April was an exciting month for my whole family, because my sister pushed a baby out her lady hole. It was like, one day I'm just a generic person, and then BAM, next day I'm an aunt! And Lo, was my new nephew ever cute. I met him on FaceTime when he was just hours old!

In we're-all-gonna-die news: April, 2011 saw a "tornado outbreak" in the US, with a record-smashing 753 tornadoes observed, mostly in the southeastern states. 369 people were killed, and thousands more injured. The media debated whether the slew of tornadoes could be linked to global warming. I decided to just go ahead and believe they can be.

May, 2011

In my life: In May, 2011 I got to meet my nephew! He was so excited to see me that he fell asleep right on his face (see below). In May I also went to a conference where I gave five presentations, including one based on my dissertation research (the first public discussion of my results!), but really, meeting my nephew was by far the highlight of the month.

In we're-all-gonna-die news: How could I not mention that in May 2011, the official math-and-bible-proved Judgment Day failed to happen? Or rather, that it might have happened, but if so, it was "invisible"? May was not a good month for the believers in Harold Camping's apocalypse, let's just say that.

June, 2011

In my life: June, 2011 was a month of big changes for me. I "graduated" (read: marched in graduation ceremonies but received no diploma), and I moved clear across the country. My dad and spent a lovely week driving my car back east, and then I spent my last week of no-full-time-job-freedom playing with my nephew and just in general being a layabout. It was glorious...I read a lot of books.

Oh yeah: Also in June, my dad's car guy popped out the dent in my car's bumper--for just $150! I was thrilled. Still am.

In we're-all-gonna-die news: June 2011 saw E. Coli attacking Germany and other European countries, via bean sprouts. Over here in America, "natural" disaster reigned supreme, with disastrous flooding along the Missouri river and humongous forest fires in New Mexico and Arizona.

July, 2011

In my life: July 2011 was once again a month of upheavals for me, as I officially moved (back) to Boston and started my first full-time job since 2005. But in way funner news, after moving back to Beantown I reconnected with my good friend Christine, her husband, and her new and adorable baby, and I spent many a July weekend at their house. During this time, Christine and I jointly discovered a love of jam-making, and we did quite a bit of it, preserving the summer's bounty--much of which we picked ourselves!

I'll just mention in passing (because I really don't want to get into it) that also in July, I discovered that the person I was subletting a room from (for two months only, thank goodness) was batshit crazy, a discovery that meant I spent a lot of time in places that were not my apartment...like the mall, where, lucky for me (but not my wallet), Border's had a several month-long going out of business sale. I purchased more than 20 books at Borders before summer's end. Sadly I did not read the books at quite such a rate, but what can you do.

In we're-all-gonna-die news: July wasn't a good month for the world, all considered. The month started with flooding along the Yellowstone river, and a concurrent and likely related oil spill in said river in Montana (Oh, Exxon, you did it again!). Meanwhile, Texas and other central/southeastern states experienced an extreme drought (29% of the country was affected!). The drought eventually dried up entire lakes in TX, killed 20+ people in the central and southern states, and decimated poultry farms, among many other deleterious effects. Part of the extremeness of the drought was due to the July heat wave that spread from the midwest to the east coast, a heat wave I can personally confirm was no fun at all. Meanwhile, in wet weather news, the first tropical storm of the 2011 season (Arlene) hit Mexico and killed 11 people, Chile got inundated with snow to the tune of four month's worth in four days, and China experienced insane amounts of rain. All in all, I think July proved that the planet's weather is as crazy as my summer 'landlord'!

August, 2011

In my life: The rash of extreme weather collided with my life in late August, 2011, when I buckled down and bravely weathered hurricane Irene, which mostly meant spending the day inside and occasionally peeking outside to determine if anything exciting was happening (it was not).

In August Christine and I also continued our canning frenzy, picking upwards of 50 pounds of tomatoes in one day, and spending the next 8 hours peeling, chopping, stewing, and canning said tomatoes. The best thing we made was ketchup, which was so delicious that I ate all of mine almost immediately. Thankfully, Christine went and made more on her own, and she's been generous enough to share the summer bounty with me, a bit at a time, over the past few months. My taste buds thank her profusely.

In we're-all-gonna-die news: Setting aside the devastation wrecked by Hurricane Irene, August was mostly notable for its demonstration of American stupidity. Amid much hullabaloo (whyy); Kim Kardashian got married in an umpteen-billion dollar wedding ceremony (slight exaggeration); the United States government dicked around so long on the debt ceiling thing that our credit rating got downgraded; bona-fide bonehead Rick Perry announced he thinks he's fit to lead the country (upside: this happened); Jersey Shore season 4 aired on TV and the first episode got a record-breaking 8.8 million viewers (among whom I am included, shamefully)...Gosh. Need I go on?

September, 2011

In my life: I finally moved into an apartment of my own in September, and although I had to live for over a week with pretty much no furniture and very little light, it was glorious to be out of the summer hellhole. Equally momentous, a few days after moving in to my abode I traveled to Chicago (where I somehow got stuck with an enormous rental car that I almost ran into so many things, but that's a story for a different day), to celebrate the marriage of my college friend Bill. The wedding was beautiful, I don't believe I made too much of an ass of myself dancing, and I would have declared the weekend a smashing success if I hadn't maybe-broken my finger in a pre-wedding softball game (slight exaggeration, but the damn thing still hurts).

In we're-all-gonna-die news: September 2011 was the month of the Lysteria-laced cantaloupes, as I have reported previously. By the end of the month, thirteen people were dead and 72 were sick from the bug, and those numbers continued to rise over the course of October.

October, 2011

In my life: In October of 2011, I turned 30 and did not even come close to having the breakdown I thought I would. All in all it was a really nice birthday...and month: I finished the fourth chapter of my dissertation!

In we're-all-gonna-die news: While October saw me celebrating 30 years of life on the planet, it also saw the planet's population hit 7 billion (give or take). The media (and my brain) went crazy thinking about the implications of 7 billion people and counting...and I don't want to spoil the surprise, but they're not good. Oh, and then there was that freak snowstorm in the Northeast that basically cancelled Halloween. There were trees down everywhere...I almost got trapped at some friends' house. Good thing they had a saw we could use to dismember the tree blocking the driveway. Bad thing they didn't have a generator, as they lost power for quite a length of time.

November, 2011

In my life: Two exciting things happened in November, the first of which is that I finally got a couch for my apartment! I'd ordered the couch--my first grown-up non-Craigslist piece of living room furniture--at the beginning of September, but it didn't arrive for months and months (during which time I used lawn chairs as my living room furniture). I was beyond thrilled when the couch showed up; it's comfy, the exact color I wanted, AND it fit in my house (though just barely). Man, I wish I were sitting on it right now (dreamy sigh).

The other (arguably more exciting) thing that happened in November was that my good friend Tiffani got married. I'm going to go ahead and take credit for her happiness, because it was me, after all, who goaded her into joining OkCupid, where she met the man of her dreams on pretty much her first day on the site. Eight months later (or something ridiculous like that), they were married. I was really happy to be there to help them celebrate!

In we're-all-gonna-die news: Gosh, am I only on November? I am getting tired of searching for terrible news from 2011. You can go here for a wrap up of extreme weather in November, 2011, which included a lot of heatwaves and floods (did you see that crap in Italy?) and even a snowstorm in Iran. Oh...and then there was this.

December, 2011

In my life: December just finished, and nothing seems particularly momentous about the month except that my nephew learned how to crawl (aka, make extra trouble for mommy). Oh, and I finally paid off my credit card debt. No more absurd interest rates for me! Hooray!

In we're-all-gonna-die news: December was much more momentous for the world than it was for me: there were forest fires in Patagonia, a deadly tropical storm in the Philippines, a "scary" volcanic eruption in Ecuador, flash floods in Indonesia, a devastating cyclone in India, a big volcanic eruption in Alaska, an earthquake in New Zealand...I think I'll stop now, I'm depressing myself.

Want more doom? This is worth checking out.

Aaaand...that's all, folks. Well, that's all the news that's fit to print, anyway. I've omitted several significant news stories from my life because they concern areas I do not, as a rule, blog about, and I've doubtlessly left out many terrible global news stories. In fact, I'm sure I've left out many pertinent news items, given the non-systematic, non-comprehensive, and just generally shoddy "research" I did for this post. But let's be honest, isn't this entry long enough? It's time to quit.

************

BONUS! More about me:

The year in numbers (Idea stolen from K)

Professionally:

Conferences attended: 4
Papers presented: 5
Papers presented at a single conference: 4 (plus a pre-conference workshop)
Papers published: 1

Dissertation proposals finished: 1
Dissertations finished: 0
Dissertation pages written by end of October, 2011: 310
Dissertation pages written in November & December, 2011: 0

Jobs applied for: 1
Jobs offered: 1
Jobs taken: 1

Personally:

States visited: 16 (California, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, New York, Massachusetts, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Connecticut (for a knitting convention, no joke), Maine, Illinois)
Car ferries ridden on: 1
National parks visited: 5 (Petrified forest, Arches, Channel Islands, Badlands, Acadia)
National Monuments visited: 1 (Mt Rushmore)
Round trip flights: 5
Road trips to destinations 6 or more hours away: 7
Foreign countries visited: 1 (Canada, twice, once by plane and once by car)

Weddings attended: 2
Engagements of close friends announced: 3
Babies born to close friends & family: 3

Microwaves ruined by marshmallows: 1
Beers brewed: 1
Jams made: 5 (blueberry, raspberry, cherry, plum (aka "cardamom explosion"), cranberry pomegranate)
Pounds of tomatoes picked: ~50
Shoes ruined picking tomatoes: 2
Jars of homemade ketchup made: Not enough
Hurricanes weathered: 1 (Irene)
Trebuchets built: 1

Books read or listened to: 44, 34 fiction and 10 nonfiction (Favorite of all: this one.)
Books read on paper: 10
Books read on Kindle: 18
Books listened to: 16

Knitted items finished: 10 (by far the best)
Knitted items started but not finished: 2
Finished knitted items made for babies: 7
Finished knitted items made for me: 2

Computers ruined by spilled water: 1
Computers purchased with proceeds from insurance policy on computer ruined by spilled water: 1

Times "your mom" came out of my mouth: WAY TOO MANY

Posts made to this here blog: 78

And with that, I shall cease writing. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

*My god, it took me forever to finish this. Finding all those disasters to chronicle was hard work!