Nobody rages anymore

Via

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Oh...And merry belated Christmas.

Everything you've never wanted to know about the Mayan Apocalypse

Because I have a blog entitled "We're All Gonna Die," however intermittently-active said blog might be, many people have asked me whether I believe the Mayan Apocalypse will happen this Friday. The short answer is "Hell no, I'm no dummy. I think we're all gonna die as a result of man-made errors, not cosmic coincidences. (Duh.)" The long answer is that I actually know very little about the so-called "Mayan Apocalypse" aside from the fact (is it a fact?) that the Mayan calendar allegedly ends on December 21, 2012, and that some people believe that this will trigger (or coincide) with some kind of cataclysmic and/or cosmic event. So my response is typically, "Uh no; our calendar ends every December 31, and so far that hasn't caused any apocalypse." Which seemed clever and pithy to me (if I do say so myself) until I read that NASA is using the same reasoning to dissuade people from believing in the impending Doomsday. After I learned that, my reasoning seemed more on the rocket scientist level. (Fortunately, I just read that NASA thing today, so I haven't let my (supposed) genius go to my head for too long.)

In any case, I hoped to write a big ol' blog entry about why people believe that the world is going to end tomorrow, and what specifically is supposed to happen at the end, but the more I look into the issue, the less sense everything makes. There's not even one narrative that explains everything; it's all a mish mosh of paranoia. What seems clear is that (1) the Mayans most certainly did not believe the end of their calendar cycle was the end of the world (it's just the start of a new cycle...), and (2) all the prophecies that do foretell the end of the world are so insane as to test the limits of credulity, even among the gullible.* Among the various things that people believe will happen include a planet called Nibiru or Planet X or Eris approaching the Earth, threatening widespread destruction; a NASA conspiracy to cover it up; the Earth passing through a "galactic synchronization beam" (triggering what?); and more. And more.**) Assuming NASA isn't just trying to cover up the planet hurtling towards us, the following video makes a decent (if unimaginative) case for cutting the crap already. (My favorite part is when they talk about all the scientists discussing the doomsday on a Google hangout.)

So that's about all I have to say about that.

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Disappointed that tomorrow isn't the end of the world? Have no fear. Gawker offers some hope for us all:

So if the world's not ending tomorrow, when will it end?

• If we can slow global warming enough, we'll get another Ice Age in about 50,000 years.
• By 500,000 years from now we'll most likely have been hit by a meteor with a diameter of 1 kilometer or more.
• Within a million years we're likely to see a supervolcanic eruption of about 113 million cubic feet of magma.
• In 100 million years we will probably have been hit by a meteorite the size of that which triggered the extinction of the dinosaurs.
• By 800 million years from now the carbon cycle will have been disrupted, lowering carbon dioxide levels to a point at which multicellular life is no longer sustainable.
• In a billion years the oceans will have evaporated.
• And in 7.9 billion years the sun will expand to 256 times its current size and likely destroy the earth.

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*NOT EVEN NORTH KOREA BELIEVES THIS SHIT.***
**Mental Floss lists the following possibilities for what might allegedly happen tomorrow [Via LiveScience]:

We’ll be toasted by a massive solar storm; Earth’s magnetic poles will flip-flop catastrophically; Planet X (a non-existent “rogue planet”) will smash into us; the planets will align in a way that ruins everything...or there will be some kind of massive global blackout, possibly due to an unprecedented alignment of Earth and Sun.

***Allegedly. In cursory searching I could find no other source to confirm this allegation.

Nobody puts baby in the corner! Or out in the park.

Folks, if we are going to continue the human race, we are going to have to protect our children. If I learned anything in chorus in elementary school, it is this: I believe the children are our future. (Teach them well, and leeeeet them leeeead the wayyyy...)*

That's why I'm surprised we aren't still heeding the following recommendation from the Kansas State Board of Public Health, circa 1920:

Via

Moms these days are so overprotective. I think it's pretty clear from this well-thought-out poster that all you need to do is stick baby in the pen under the tree and let him Amuse Himself. He'll be fine; just don't do it THE WRONG WAY!

And if ever there was a case for keeping baby in a pen, it is this video that's making the rounds of the internet:

BEWARE THE EAGLES.

Yes, yes, I know, the video is a hoax (sorry for the bad PR, Canada). But according to the New York Times (September 25, 1888), this very thing has actually happened.**

Don't say I haven't warned you.

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*Another thing I learned in chorus in elementary school is that I am terrible at singing.
**...Maybe.

We're all gonna die...but how?

Thanks to anonymous for the link to this delightful interactive infographic from the Guardian, detailing how people die in various areas of the world. The data are drawn from a study that recently came out in The Lancet, which has compiled cause of death data from 187 countries, for the period 1980-2010. Creating the dataset for the study was a notable undertaking in and of itself, apparently involving 500 researchers in 50 countries. [Sounds like a nightmare...In my job I can barely manage to corral comparable data from 5 different people, let alone 500.]

Anyway, if you want to find out how people die in various places, have yourself a look-see at the infographic aforementioned. There's also a short accompanying article containing even more fun death data.

I may or may not have spent many minutes last week clicking around to find out fun death statistics, such as where one is most likely to die from unintentional injuries like poison, fire, drowning, falling, medical mistakes, and of course, "mechanical forces" and "animal contact" (answer: Eastern Europe).

[What I want to know is (a) What constitutes "mechanical forces" and (b) Do people actually die from "animal contact"? If so, that totally justifies my fear of touching any animal ever.]

And speaking of fire, this 1830's children's book should scare you away from playing with it. Maybe they should reprint it for the more fire-prone areas of the world? (Western Sub-Saharan Africa, I'm looking at you...)

Via this delightful page of moralistic children's books from the 1830's

Fish out of water

Did you hear about the catfish in France who JUMP OUT OF THE WATER TO HUNT PIGEONS?

Humanity, you are warned.